04 February, 2009

How to know if you are a drunk ho:

I have heard wine tastings described as "intimidating", "hoity toity", "snobby". Ha! We go out of our way to make wine, delicious wine , feel accessible to all. In fact, as long as you have not spritzed liberally with that bathroom Polo, or Aquanetted yourself into a HAZMAT violation, I welcome your curiosity, input and company on the journey to learn more about all things wine. That is unless you are a drunk ho. If you or a loved one are exhibiting symptoms, seek professional help. Here are some signs:


Falling off your Barbie heels?
Well, why were you wearing 4 inch metallic stilettos in the first place? Whatever. Dressing like you robbed a Forever 21 is seldom appropriate for Sunday afternoons. Sister, you put that mess together sober! And now you're wobbling on your aching tootsies or worse yet---you can't feel your feet. If it talks like a drunk ho and walks like a drunk ho---well, you get the picture.

Menage a trois?
Funny. The guy who picked you up this morning has a twin? No, triplets! And suddenly the one in the middle is looking kinda foxy. Blurry. But oh so foxy. What was his name? Please resist the urge to merge right in the middle of the venue. Get a room. You're going to need it. Later. Public restroom floors can be notoriously unsanitary. And no. Those Muni Wind shelters will not do in a pinch. For either purpose---unless you are drunk ho.
Eating disorder
Believe me. Not only do the Italians know fashion, their colorful phrase for "Yo! You're a drunk ho!" translates roughly to " Poor thing. She has not yet eaten enough," If you are attending a wine tasting, today is not the day for low carb, no carb, meal skipping nonsense. Mangia Bambina! The best of us on an empty stomach can quickly turn into drunk hos. Might I suggest some bacon?
Over swallowing:
Today is the day to let fly the phrase: Spit. Don't swallow. You heard me. Today your personal maxim has its place. Do not chug. Do not consume 20 full pours no matter how much you like the buzz---I mean wine. And stop looking for the keg; those red party cups are Personal Spit Cups. Figure it out. Otherwise, you risk turning into a drunk ho.
Thinking you are Batman
Over interaction with random strangers. "I love you, Chicago!" "I was just trying to be philanthropic with the sunset" And other things that so do not make sense when one is not wearing booze goggles. Challenging security. Feeling like you have superpowers. Yes. All these can be signs that you are a drunk ho. If you find yourself wobbling on your barbie heels on a rough plank three inches from an embarrassing plunge into the San Francisco Bay. And at that time you find yourself sassing a security guard because he/she is acting deranged, later, you will find that you, in fact, are the drunk ho. NOTE: This is not limited to female persons. Men, be aware, if you have over imbibed, you too can become, yes, drunk hos.
But in all seriousness, I have seen an alarming uptick at several events with out of control, should-be-wearing-a-toga drinking. Besides ranging from unpleasant to dangerous to downright illegal, it takes away the opportunity to learn about a very interesting topic. It also potentially jeopardizes the ability of the organizers to continue with enjoyable events. And hey, Drunk Hos, why are you travelling to events with "friends" so careless that they will let you get a ride home from the Park Police?
I'm not talking about responsible drunkityness. Or crossing the line from wine scholarship into giddy indulgence. Rosy cheeks. Laughing too hard. Getting flirty. Fine. Getting hauled off by the EMT's? You are a drunk ho.
Oh, and unless you are a Russian prince/princess with the means to fling fine champagne flecked crystal into the fireplace of your cozy dacha, it is never appropriate to throw stemware onto the floor. It is not cute. But then you've lost your compass for cute, because, by that time, we all know. you are drunk, ho.
Post a Comment