08 August, 2016

How to Know if You are a Drunk Ho

Repost of my classic article:
Mainly as a public service announcement to help those attending the Wine Blogger's Conference in Lodi this week.  Of course I don't mean you.  No.  Not you! Never....
I have heard wine tastings described as "intimidating", "hoity toity", "snobby". This is a misconception.  Most wine lovers go out of our way to make wine feel accessible to all. In fact, as long as you have not spritzed yourself liberally with that bathroom Polo, or Aquanetted yourself into a HAZMAT violation, I welcome your curiosity, input and company on my journey to learn more about all things wine.

That is as long as you are not a Drunk Ho.

If you or a loved one are exhibiting symptoms, please seek professional help. Here are some signs:

Falling off your Barbie heels?
Well, why were you wearing 4 inch metallic stilettos in the first place? Seriously?  Dressing like you robbed a Forever 21 is seldom appropriate for Sunday afternoons. Sister, you put that mess together sober! And now you're wobbling on your aching tootsies or worse yet---you can't feel your feet. If it talks like a Drunk Ho and walks like a Drunk Ho....well, you get the picture.

Menage a trois?
Funny. The guy who picked you up this morning has a twin? Wait a minute. You think you see triplets! And suddenly the one in the middle is looking kinda foxy. Blurry. But oh so foxy. What was his name? Please resist the urge to merge right in the middle of the venue. Get a room. You're going to need it later. Public restroom floors can be notoriously unsanitary. And no those Muni wind shelters will not do in a pinch. For either purpose---unless you are a Drunk Ho.

Eating disorder
Believe me. Not only do the Italians know fashion, their colorful phrase for "Yo! You're a Drunk Ho!" translates roughly to " Poor thing. She has not yet eaten enough," If you are attending a wine tasting, today is not the day for low carb, no carb, meal skipping nonsense. Mangia Bambina! The best of us on an empty stomach can quickly turn into Drunk Hos. Might I suggest some bacon?

Over swallowing:
Today is the day to let fly the phrase: Spit. Don't swallowYou heard me. Today your personal maxim has its place. Do not chug. Do not consume 20 full pours no matter how much you like the buzz---I mean wine. And stop looking for the keg; those red party cups are Personal Spit Cups. Figure it out. Otherwise, you risk turning into a Drunk Ho.

Thinking you are Batman?
Ask yourself:

  • Did I just scream at the person who picked up my check?
  • Was that really me drinking brown liquor from the bottle?
  • Why am I challenging security?
  • When did I get these superpowers?
  • Can I really fly? (And why does that seem easier than walking in a straight line?)
 All these can be signs that you are a Drunk Ho.

 If you find yourself wobbling on your Barbie heels on a rough plank three inches from an embarrassing plunge into the San Francisco Bay, and if at that time you find yourself sassing a security guard or any member of volunteer staff,  because *they* are acting "deranged", later, you may find that you, in fact, were the Drunk Ho. NOTE: This is not limited to female persons. Men, be aware, if you have over imbibed, you too can become, yes, Drunk Hos.

Male or female, your Uber driver is going to charge you bigtime for doing the Boot and Rally in his vehicle.  Really "Is it more cost effective to hurl in an Uber, Lyft or regular taxi?" is definitely something a Drunk Ho would ask themself.

But in all seriousness, I have seen an alarming uptick at several events with out of control, should-be-wearing-a-toga drinking. Besides ranging from unpleasant to dangerous to downright illegal, it takes away the opportunity to learn about a very interesting topic. It also potentially jeopardizes the ability of the organizers to continue with enjoyable events. And hey, Drunk Hos, why are you travelling to events with "friends" so careless that they will let you get a ride home in an ambulance or accompanied by the Park Police?

I'm not talking about responsible drunkityness. Or crossing the line from wine scholarship into giddy indulgence. Rosy cheeks. Laughing too hard. Getting flirty. Fine. Getting hauled off by the EMT's?
You are a Drunk Ho.
Oh, and unless you are a Russian prince/princess with the means to fling fine champagne flecked crystal into the fireplace of your cozy dacha, it is never appropriate to throw stemware onto the floor. It is not cute. But then you've lost your compass for cute, because, by that time, we all know. you are drunk, Ho.
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